I'm living it up while I'm falling from grace.. [entries|friends|calendar] Anna [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Synapses they happen too infrequently for me [02 Apr 2008|02:23am] [ music | Motion City Soundtrack- modern chemistry ] I accept that death is a natural part of life. Death happens and that’s all there is to it. But it’s not. There’s a whole aspect of grieving that I over-looked. That for every life that ends, there was someone connected to that life and someone that hurts because it ended. When I was younger, I didn’t understand it. Today, I saw pure grief and sorrow and it made me nauseous to know that there was all this pain behind a natural act. For as much as it hurts and for as much as it sucks, I can see that it won’t be easier for a long time. I’m trying to not let things bother me as much, not to get too agitated too quickly. It’s working well enough. It’s a lot better. Lately, I’ve been thinking about a couple of people that I miss, and it’s weird. I keep wondering what I did wrong, part of it’s just bad luck that follows me around and I believe that to the fullest, because if it weren’t true it wouldn’t be repeated history. It’s not the blame phase anymore, I’m past all that. I’m pretty much to myself again and it’s easier sometimes. Someone said that fun and friends are a big part of life and help keep you sane. And maybe that’s true for him, he needs his friends and that’s okay, but I just feel like I’ve been loved and lost so much that it’s easier to be alone. I don’t mind my own company, it’s simple. If I want to go out, I go out, no one else has to be there. I was house-sitting for a few days last week and had a entire house to myself, it was great. Now, not to say I want to be alone forever, but being independent has a lot of great advantages and a lot less letdowns. And it was feeling letdown that screwed everything up. Yeah, part of that was my own fault, but it just seems like everyone moves at different paces and people get lost. It happens and it’s dealt with. It’s kind of funny and partially frustrating explaining why I only have a few friends. I’m in the process of working things out and it’s going okay.  If I just write more and if I just tell someone when something is wrong, it’ll help. I just want that to be enough. I just want to feel like enough. My life is progressing a lot slower than I’d like it too and I’m trying not to let that bother me as much anymore. I’m trying to take everything as is. “This is how it is, and you’re moving slowly but it’s better that than nothing.”  I’ve pretty much figured out by now that I barely ever get lucky so the one thing I did get lucky at is pretty much what keeps me going. Whatever happens, happens.  Add

[12 Apr 2007|12:49am] I feel little jabs in my stomach like I swallowed my glass heart and didn't chew it enough because it's still in my throat keeping my words stuck there Add

we will sleep on moonlight [10 Apr 2007|11:22pm] I. they have seen my changes not my insides- just my outsides my hair from it's plum black cherry purples to golden reds to peachish pink to firehydrant red and back again they have seen their son change from a slave to their words to a free man with his own heart they have seen me as the devil in a young woman's pale body they have seen the oxygen in my green eyes that I breathe into his fire brown eyes and they have scorned him and I so that he turned his back towards them I am the devil and smile a sly grin on top of a pile of lies and deceit II. I started showering in a dim light so I can feel beautiful because in the dimness I can't see my demons or mistakes I can turn my back to them and look into the mirror to see the smooth curvature of my spine then there is no need to smile there is only the need to see my own naked flesh as perfection in the dark because in the light I know my lies shine bright like the morning sun III. I call to you but there is no response I reach for you but where you where there is only a shard of glass my hands get cut and I grow weary while my hands bleed I call for you again and you further and further away you let yourself disappear no matter how hard I try to find you you are lost at  sea and you are drowning on your own sadness Add

[09 Apr 2007|10:40pm] Remember when we used to read books and switch when we were younger? how days seemed simpler when  the sun would shine through the winshield and we could taste raspberry sodas on our lips and then we got older and somehow my vision faded to gray shades of vivid color and inside that little gray world there is a dark gray sky with light gray stars and there are the memories that we keep hidden inside the pages of a paperback novel. Add

outer banks of the postal region in the artic [19 Mar 2007|05:30pm] [ music | The Blow- Parentheses ] Heh, after I left Commerce, I sealed the letter and leaped onto the huge snow banks and trotted to the mail box. Since it's the drive through mailbox I guess a lot of people go there around two thirty? I don't know there was a line. Just as I was a few feet within the mailbox some woman in a champagne SUV got there too. She smiled at me and I ducked the letter into the box and trotted back towards the snow bank. I leaped onto the highest peak of it and leapt of without taking another step. I felt the pound of my feet hitting the pavement in my heart. My heart skipped a beat. Add

[19 Mar 2007|12:38am] what the fuck did I just do? Add

here to hope tomorrow [10 Feb 2007|03:42am] [ music | Anberlin- Autobahn ] I utterly destroyed the lamp-post in my front yard.. with my car. Actually, it would have been really badass if I had destroyed it with my hands but said I was in the car. It was an accident.. but I guess my subconscious hate for it helped destroy it. Does anyone know how much a lamp-post goes for in there parts? Add

when you recalculated [07 Feb 2007|09:31pm] [ music | The Fold- The Title Track ] I beat an emo kid out of the lot. By three minutes. It was the highlight of my day. Add

[27 Dec 2006|11:45pm] Why do I always let it go so easily? Add

So, what’s your ideal christmas? [23 Dec 2006|02:00am] Fuck christmas, I’d work if I could or I’d sleep it out and wake up next year Let’s blow it off, cancel all plans and feed it to the cats they’ll eat anything- like shopper’s who consume deals like nobody’s business Let’s rush through winter break so it can end sooner and we can all go back to our schedules Let’s burn the tree down and dance in the ashes Let’s toss our money into wrapped gifts and empty our pockets into material voids Let’s give ourselves away tucked neatly into decorated boxes so the receivers can open us up and stash us away a few hours later Let’s pretend that we care enough to sing, to dance, to celebrate all the christmas cheer Let’s waste ourselves and another year, we’ll make it into a christmas punch and pour it into paper cups with little trees and reindeer, and we’ll drink it up and throw out the cups- with the wrapping paper that no one ever bothers to save. Add

As I turn the wheels that round the ground across the never, here against the grave [10 Dec 2006|05:39pm] [ music | The Prize Fighter Inferno- The Price For Going Home ] When did I become the parent? When did my brother start to voice his opinion? When did he start taking after me? And when did I start talking to you in my dreams? Add

you're so serene- careening through the universe- your axis on a tilt [28 Oct 2006|01:39am] [ music | Third Eye Blind: Motorcycle Drive By ] Tonight is one of those strange nights. I feel good and bad. I’m soaking wet from dancing in the rain, but my clothes are changed and fresh. My hands are warm, but my toes are cold. I’m smiling and I know I should be getting ready for, I should be sleeping- I’ve got a busy day ahead of me: class and work. Early class and a long shift. I don’t exactly want to sleep. I want to go back into the rain and just stay there. Very simple, just staying in the rain. But there’s a good chance I’ll get sick. And I have to sleep. I’m not tired-yet. But I will be soon. I’ll have tea and take a shower and settle down into bed. And I’ll wake up in the morning cursing at classes, cursing at how crazy our professor and at work I’ll be bored and angry pissed off at the weather. I’ll end up remembering- it’s just one more week. That’s it. Just another week closer till I’m home. “And you'll wonder who I am. And there's this burning, just like there's always been. I've never been so alone, alone- and I've, and I've, I've never been so alive. I go home to the coast it starts to rain I paddle out on the water, alone. Taste the salt and taste the pain, I'm not thinking of you again. Summer dies and swells rise. The sun goes down in my eyes. See this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me home.. And I never been so alone And I've never been so alive.” Add

[28 Sep 2006|02:25am] Who the fuck are you? 5 || Add

My english teacher is cooler than yours [07 Sep 2006|09:52pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | The Album Leaf- Window ] E-MAIL No papers will be accepted through e-mail, unless there are extremely extenuating circumstances. These circumstances might include alien abductions or bizzare run-ins with malevolent carnival folk. BACKUP COPIES Be sure to have two hard copies of each paper, in the unlikely case that I lose your paper or God destorys it because it's poorly written. In other words, "I definitely handed it to you, but that was the only copy, Mr. V" is not a valid excuse. Add

[21 Aug 2006|02:32pm] 2. The note you gave me with your name written on it dances in electrical air. A man comes in am asks for a small vanilla shake- I say we only have large- he says okay. I put two full pumps of sweetness in it- in hopes that they even out the sorrow bitterness in my tone. Add

Chai [07 Aug 2006|03:26am] [ mood | content ] [ music | The Album Leaf- The outer banks ] I left you asleep in my bed while I showered. After I was done and cleaned up, I made tea for two. One cup for me, one cup for you. I imagined we’d sip slowly on the sweet cups and just let go of time. I went to awake you, I said: “I made us tea.” You didn’t hear me. You spoke about cold cuts and sandwiches. I was confused- and left you with a wet wash cloth for your warm face. I took my cup with me to drink, left yours on the counter. When you wake up I hope you see the two cups, one full- one empty. When you wake up I will be fast asleep, your calls will not awaken me. And I’ll be dreaming of tea-time and tea-sandwiches. We just have the wrong time. Add

it's a lucious mix of words and tricks [26 Jul 2006|01:04am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | The Shins- Caring Is Creepy ] I like being here with just Jack. Yes, I love Jack very much. Add

past the horizon [25 Jul 2006|10:09pm] [ music | Gregory and the Hawk- Boats and Birds ] What happened to the lemon in your heart? Add

from my mind to your mind [08 Jul 2006|10:21pm] [ mood | interesting ] [ music | Lola Ray- Quiet Voices ] It's better than you give it credit for. Add

Come summertime, we're all the same age here [08 Jul 2006|12:25am] [ mood | good ] [ music | Straylight Run- The Tension & The Terror ] A brief list of things I've accomplished this year: -Getting into a school -Getting out of school -Managing my time well -Going to a concert -Running into a goalie net at night Yeah, something like that. Add

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